What is John Proctor...

I've been pretty neglectful of my blog and my senior project responsibilities this past week, so i've got a lot to catch up on...

The past week we've been staging Act 2 scene 2, the large court room scene. I expressed to Jason that I was concerned this would be a lull in the show`, and turn into a bunch of college guys trying to act like ballsy old guys yelling at each other, which could turn a bit rough for the audience. The wall I feared I'd hit in line memorizing has taken a bit of a toll on the level of work i've been able to put into the rehearsals. I haven't been able to really commit myself entirely to the emotional quality because I've been mostly focused on lines and blocking... to be expected, but still disappointing. The rehearsals have been a bit less focused.

Regaurdless, I've still made some interesting discoveries... made some break throughs, as well as meeting some apprehensions and doubts about my performance thus far. The most difficult part of the scene for me has been the monologue I have in admitting his adultery. Jasons been urging me to play and use the space on the upper deck on this monologue and i've found some nice things, but I still need to focus on specificity of movement and gestures.

Durring our first run of the entire scene last sunday, i did make some great emotional break throughs after that monologue in connecting with his dispair durring Elizabeth's interrogation. Everyone in the rehearsal said they felt invested in the latter part of the scene, despite many calls for line. I've been frustrated because I was frequently calling line when I didn't even have one.

But on the whole, I've been trying to use some transference when considering his emotional state. I've been considering personal things that are going on my life that I can equate to John's frustration and feeling of being beaten down by his life and circumstances. That really helped me to invest and I actually drew some tears durring that run, which is exciting for me; but I don't want to focus on that for fear of forcing anything from this point on. My interaction with Emily Perry also has become really invested her betrayal of John has really been hitting hard with me. I'ven ot thought too much about the complicated realtionship between Mary Warren and John, and I realized the peaks and valleys it goes through, especially in this scene. Its a really big hurtle she has to climb in telling the court that John never threatened her, because I've been pretty violent with her in the first act. But through this scene she becomes the only person John has to hold on to, and when she rejects him the feeling of solitude is pretty striking. The final speech about hearing the boot of lucifer finally connected with me on that final run. I had been trying to be very dramatic and declamitory, but I relaxed into it and found a sense of giving up and being haunted by the imagery. Its a strange thing for him to announce, that God is dead. The line surely comes out of Miller's own religious questioning. I have to consider more about what he really feels about his relationship to God. God is always on not just all Puritans' minds, but also Johns. I truely feel John feels God's presence at all times in his life, until finally he feels rejected by God as well. That statement is a lashing out at God in anger, but not a denial of God. This is probably a pretty relateable feeling for many people; the sense that God has turned his back on his children in contrast to simply disbelieving his existance. Theres a significant difference in the two ideas, and the former bears much more impact.

Last night was my first rehearsal in the final scene, in which John is absolutey at the bottom of despair. Lisa Ann made a comment to me about seeing Liam Neeson playing JP and how over the course of the play his posture declined until his final "It is my name!". Its a great physical way of illustrating how beat down John becomes and I think that will help me to realize the arch and journey John takes. The first couple goes of the scene were difficult and felt forced. Then Jason led Kayla and I in an excercise that really worked for me. he has us kneeling and lifting ourselfs up on our thighs, so to feel a good burn. While pulling back with the thighs, we'd reach out with our arms so there is a contrasting push pull in the body. After a few lines he had us stand up and continue the scene. I couldn't believe the impact it made on me. My body remained in the physical state that the I was trying to have the artificial emotions do. I was completely freed up to let the text work for me and focus on my thoughts about the Giles and Rebecca. I'm definitley going to be using this every rehearsal. I've always worked from the outside in and with psycho-physical techniques. This excercise was the most successful I've ever felt in connecting with a scene.

Despite this huge break through, the rest of rehearsal left me feeling pretty lousy about the scene and how I was dealing with it, mostly because I was having a lot of difficulty remembering lines and blocking, so I couldn't get anywhere near the state I had been durring the excercise. I left rehearsal with a lot of doubt and questioning about how I'm doing as John Proctor. I'm fearing that its forced, or that it just kinda looks like B.S. (I know I'm being hard on myself but I have to be). John pleads to God, "What is John Proctor", I've used this as a mantra a couple of times before rehearsal in a search to understand and reconcile with Proctor. I haven't come to a good understanding of him yet. I'm trying to reconcile the where John Proctor lives in myself, in a way of being the same person. I've also tried to understand him as a seperate person, and how I can step into that third party.

Depsite these concerns and apprehensions, I've never tried to approach a character in this way, which is exciting and scary. I feel like the possibility of failure is a lot greater than any other part i've worked on before.We've got 14 days left before opening. Thats scary... I feel very vulnerable.